June 9, 2009

Tuesday Top 5: Unfashionable Superhero Costumes

So I've decided to start something new. Dave Letterman has his top 10, Billboard has their top 40, MTV used to have a top 20, and maybe they still do, but it'd pretty much been replaced by VH1/MTV's "Top 100 Celebrity Vaginas" and such other mindless crap that I can't help but watch. Well here's me with my top 5.

Why would I chose a number like five? Well unlike Letterman, MTV, and whoever still buys CDs, I can't really make lists that long. Watch...

Top 5 States:
1. Massachussetts
2. New York
3. Vermont
4. Hawaii
5. New Jersey.

Now let's see what happens if I try to add 5 more.

Top 10 States:
1. Massachussetts
2. New YOrk
3. Vermont
4. Hawaii
5. New Jersey
6. The one with mount Rushmore
7. Is Guam a state?
8. Colorado is probably okay
9. Something that isn't in the south
10. THe pretty states have stupid people, and the ugly states have good people

This is why I keep it at 5.

Well as Kimya's post on Saturday taught us, Tim Gunn is going to be a superhero. I don't really know what he would be doing, but something tells me it will be fashion related, and I'll be interested in seeing who's fashion he will be critiquing. Here's some of my guesses.

Top 5 Most Unfashionable Superhero Costumes

5. Wolverine
Let's face it, the superhero world is an explosion of vibrant fashion, and to just wear a t-shirt and jeans is just not fun. I know he has to do his own thing because he's depressed so maybe he doesn't want an extravagant costume. Okay, but then explain the hair. There's no excuse for t-shirt and jeans ands absurd hair, unless you're mailing explosives to people.

4. Blue Beetle
The lone DC character on this list, the Blue Beetle would definitely get the boot from Tim Gunn. Solid Blue is just plain old tacky, and then on top of that, he goes for eyewear that looks like the safety goggles worn in the labratory of the scientist Dr. Elton John. It's no wonder you're the only DC character I know that wasn't on the Superfriends.

3. Luke Cage
The reason this costume isn't #1 is that 1) It isn't used often anymore and 2)It has some awesomeness to it, regardless of how unfashionable it is. Let's start with the wrinkly and baggy yellow shirt, that he wears open, despite also tucking in, which I think is a fashion faux pas. Then there are his boots, which are far more yellow than any man's boots should be. Like Wolverine, he goes for the jeans look, which is quite unoriginal. I'd say that the jeans accentuate his bulge very well, but I can't really be sure, seeing as he has mysterious bulgest protruding from the tops of his boots as well that seem to indicate that he is carrying manilla envelopes on his shins. Add his choice of steel jewelry for a chain belt, bracelets, and whatever the hell that thing is on his head, and you have a costume that is borderline racist, but far past borderline unfashionable.

2. Collossus
Let's forget for a second that Collossus is made of steel, and just concentrate on the costume's strange choices of where to cut the fabric. It starts off with what looks to be a turtleneck, a turtleneck with sleeves that go slightly passed shoulder length. From mid-pectorals the shirt begins to make a V shape toward his waistline, leaving his sides open, but making sure to keep his abs covered up (if I had abs that looked like that, this would be the opposite of what I would do). But maybe he's just modest and doesn't want to show off his muscular body too much. Except for the fact that his pants barely reach Speedo-length. To make this costume make even less sense, he gets boots that go above his knees, just make sure he keeps part of his legs hidden. Add those weird bracelet things and you're set with a costume that was thrown together in an attempt to show off that Collossus has a body made of steel but at the same time not make any sense in terms of fashion. But don't get me wrong, I wouldn't tell him how stupid the costume looked either.

1. Sinister Six
My guess is that Tim Gunn will be helping out Spiderman, based on the awful nature of his enemies' fashion. Doc Ock has an awful haircut and glasses, Kraven the Hunter dresses like an asshole (you're a Hunter, we get it), Electro has an unecessary lighting bolt mask that probably doesn't do anything to help him, Mysterio has a fishbowl on his head, and probably worst of all is Vulture, in his green spandex, with the feathers around the neck, and the awful fake wings, he looks like he's wearing someone's costume from an elementary school play. Even Sandman who dresses fairly normal can't help but wear a Steve-from-Blues-Clues green shirt and khakis.

I'm really looking forward to Spiderman taking down all six of them and then having Tim Gunn give them fashion tips.

- Zach