July 21, 2009

Tuesday Top 5: Tomato Blight is Tomato RIght

Yesterday morning, WNYC's Brian Lehrer show accidentally had a theme: depressing things to come to America from Ireland. They started by playing an old interview with Frank McCourt, may he rest in peace, talking about his depressing and awesome memoir Angela's Ashes, then they talked about how apparently there's a chance of tomato blight hitting our crops, similar to the infamous potato blight of Ireland.

Now I'm not one to look at these things with depression, I've got to look at the positives of how this. SO without further ado...

Top 5 Reasons a Tomato Blight Could Be Positive

5. Don't have to ask for "no tomatoes"
I have never understood tomatoes on a burger, because they have such a strong and foreign taste and texture compared to the rest of the things on the burger. Still I always feel like a jerk asking for "no tomatoes" because then I feel like a pest. I'll do it at Burger King, because they say I can "Have it [my] way", but if I'm at anywhere diner-ish, where the burger is handed to me open and without condiments, I'm far more likely to just put the tomato slice to the side. Even then, there's a tomato on my plate that I want nothing to do with, and now I feel like I'm wasting food. With the tomato blight, this will be understood.

4. More Alfredo Sauce
Let's face it, tomato sauce is the generic sauce and there's room for improvement. I'd take Alfredo sauce any day, on any pasta, over tomato. Other people will see how superior Alfredo sauce is, and we can make that the staple sauce of the American household. Even if you get your hands on some black-market tomatoes, you've got to conserve that, so make a Vodka sauce.

3. Some time off will help us regulate our pronunciations
I know, you say Toh-may-to, I say Toh-Mah-To. But let's be honest, nobody actually says Toh-Mah-To, and that phrase is flawed because Toh-May-To is clearly the right answer. That arguement has long been won before it started. I'm talking about the tomato-derived ketchup and the jihadist attack upon words that is made by people who "Catsup". The word is ketchup, end of story. Anyone who spreads anything with "cat" in the name on their sandwich is clearly working against the efficiency of giving something one, easy name. In order to find the answer you must look for the truth in comedy:
Two Tomatoes are in a race. Says the leading one to the trailing one: "You Better Catsup!
See, it doesn't work.

Pictured: Grandma's Sweet Homemade Assault on The English Language

2. Chance for Canadian Oppression
I don't know if you know this, but what made the Irish Potato Famine as awful as it was was British opression. (I know this because it was the last time I was ever an oppressed minority, and damnit I'm holding on to it!)I figure if we're going to have a similar blight, we could get some oppression from the North. Let's all watch as the oppressive mounties storm our lands and force a working healthcare system, a non-broken economy, and a lower drinking age on us. I could get used to 800 years of that.

1.Better fruit/vegetables thrown at my bad comedy acts
People always jokingly tell me that they're going to throw tomatoes at me when they see me perform. Soon enough, if we're lucky, that joke will become too expensive. As I've hinted so far, I'm not a huge fan of tomatoes, so a change in threatening vegetation will be welcomed. How about avacados? If you hit me, I've got some instant guacamole. In fact, I'd recommend also throwing peaches, mangos, and oranges. Watermelons and pineapples might hurt, but hey, free watermelon!

- Zach

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