World Cup Predictions by someone who doesn't fully understand the offsides rule. (Part 1)

Before I start, I'd like to recommend a fantastic and far more serious sports blog by Mikey Krenek on the retirement of Ken Griffey Jr. Now, on to my nonsense.

As you may or may not know, there's this sport that people all over the world love to play called football, but not like our beloved American sport, this game actually involves use of feet. I think. From what I remember from last time, it might just be a headbutting competition.



So this time around they're doing the whole thing in South Africa, which is just taunting to European teams because it is winter right now down there and they have weather for playing summer sports.

I figured since its the one time every year that Americans pretend to care about soccer, as we call it for reasons nobody really ever explains, I should give my predictions for who will win the World Cup.

Lets start with GROUP A.
Mexico
South Africa
Uruguay
France

Mexico is probably a really good team. I have a Mexican roommate, and while I have never asked him whether or not he's a good soccer player, because it's really never come up and it would probably be racist to just ask out of the blue, he probably is.

Even though they tied the first game with South Africa, they're still probably better. South Africa would need the inspiration of Nelson Mandela and Morgan Freeman playing Nelson Mandela at the same time to have a real chance. I mean they have home field advantage throughout the cup, but that's just more reason for them to disappoint. It's like how I know the Dolphins aren't going to win the Superbowl most years because it seems like its hosted in Miami every other year.

Uruguay is really the wild card here, by which I don't really know more about them than the fact that you can almost pronounce their name "You're A Gay". I'll assume that if they were really any good at soccer I would know it, like I do about Brazil and Argentina. So I'm just going to assume they're not very good.

Which brings me to France, who came in second last time, which is pretty good, even if it was four years ago and their starting headbutter has retired (how many headbutt jokes are allowed? I'll stop now). Still, I'm thinking France gets out of the first round.

Predicted Group Rank:
Mexico
France
South Africa
Uruguay

Group B
Argentina
Nigeria
South Korea
Greece

Argentina makes round two, no doubt in my mind. But even if they don't, I won't cry for them. (this concludes all of the jokes I can make about Argentina)

Nigeria is a country I can't trust to win. There's always a possibility that a couple of the starters could leave the team halfway through the Cup to be a part of the re-seceded Biafran team.

South Korea is my pick to be the Asian representation in the knockout round. They just have to convince their players and fans that the world cup is just a new expansion level of Starcraft.

And I'm picking Greece to be the 08-09 Detroit Lions of this World Cup. A team that could help their fans forget about the hardships of where they live due to drastic economic downturns, but will instead fail and make those pains all the more real.

Predicted Group Rank:
Argentina
South Korea
Nigeria
Greece

Group C
England
United States
Algeria
Slovenia

You know how the World Cup is supposed to unify the world? Well then what the hell is England doing without the rest of the United Kingdom? Come on, its not like any Welsh were going to make the team anyway. It's basically going to be the same team but they're just not playing under the Union Jack. And seeing the Union Jack is pretty much the coolest flag ever, they'll have no chance playing under a lesser flag. Then again, Mozambique has a gun on their flag and they didn't even make it to the world cup. So yes, I'm going to pick England to lose because I don't like their flag choice.

USA USA USA! We're going to make it! Because frankly, if the US isn't predicted to have a chance, nobody in America is going to watch it. So I'm doing the sponsors a favor with my predictions, and I expect a paycheck for it.

Algeria is going to be my second pick to make the next round, simply because I know where it is, unlike Slovenia which I can identify as "somewhere in the former Yugoslavia".

Predicted Group Rank:
USA USA! GO AMERICA! HOT DOGS AND GUNS!
Algeria
England
Slovenia

Group D
Germany
Australia
Serbia
Ghana

I had a tour guide when I was in Berlin who said Germany's second favorite sport was football, second only to invading Poland. Well since Poland isn't here we can assume they will settle for doing well in the world cup.

Maybe Germany will be like most Americans and confuse Australia with Austria and invade them. Either way, I don't see Australia having much of a chance. I see Australia's interest in soccer as probably being like Americans, other countries have been interested in this for hundreds of years before us, so we kind of just made up our own sports.

Serbia is another "somewhere in former Yugoslavia" team, so I have to give them the same treatment as Slovenia. My apologies to Donja, the only Serb I know.

Ghana is my pick to be my South Korea of Africa. If that made any sense to you, I'm sure you're already saying "But what about Algeria?" Algeria isn't going to actually win, I just picked them over England because I'm an asshole.

Predicted Group Rank:
Germany
Ghana
Serbia
Australia